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Don’t worry. Although content that INAPPROPRIATELY DISPARAGES AMERICANS PAST OR LIVING or that includes MATTERS UNRELATED TO THE BEAUTY, ABUNDANCE, AND GRANDEUR OF THE AMERICAN LANDSCAPE has been targeted for removal at national-park sites, the caliber of park tours has not suffered! Here is a glimpse of the kind of information you can look forward to receiving at each of these historic sites.
Stonewall National Monument: One of the best places to admire the abundant natural beauty of New York City. The taxis, yellow. The skyscrapers, high! The luminous walk signs, with their flashing white gentleman composed of tiny stars, majestic! Here a community rose up in response to a police raid and sparked a revolution. We cannot say which community, but we hope there weren’t any LGBTQ people present. It seems unlikely; they did not exist before 1967, which was one of many things that made America Great at that time, and which we are trying our best to replicate today. We’ve been removing the movement’s patrons from the Stonewall website one letter at a time and seeing whether anyone notices.
Manzanar National Historic Site: This well-preserved internment-camp site from World War II is a chilling, gut-wrenching reminder of the stunning natural beauty of our flawless nation!
Mount Rushmore National Memorial: This incomplete statue of some presidents will be a wonderful place to contemplate America’s beauty soon, when it is beautified even further by the addition of the best president yet! We don’t need to say anything more about this site. Nice, uncontroversial place for some sculptures of white men, we’re pretty sure!
Little Rock Central High School National Historic Site: The National Guard liked this high school so much that it decided to sit in on classes here for a time in the 1960s. For some reason, only nine of the students who went here are singled out as heroes, but we think, actually, every student is a hero.
Redwood National and State Parks: These beautiful, large trees are big enough to fend for themselves, and the implication that action is needed on our part to protect them is, frankly, insulting. Trees eat carbon dioxide, you know!!!
Adams National Historic Park: President John Adams presided over the passage of the Alien Enemies Act of 1798! A great thing. Good legacy.
Selma to Montgomery National Historic Trail: Some really scenic sights along here. Great place to hear birds. John Lewis marched across a bridge on this route, and some police marched out to meet him. Fun!
Tuskegee Airmen National Historic Site: This site was set aside to commemorate a bunch of people who have been removed from Air Force training materials, so we are unsure what they did. As soon as these people are added back to the training materials, we can tell you! Just keep in mind that if it appears that any of the people who participated in United States history weren’t white, that is DEI.
Harriet Tubman Underground Railroad National Historical Park: This woman is famous for some reason, but we can’t say for sure what that is. Maybe the rare natural splendor of the surroundings of her home. Sometimes she led fellow Americans on long treks on foot, presumably to admire the breathtaking beauty of the environment up close. She did this many times. She must have loved nature!
Gettysburg National Military Park: It appears that lots of brave men fought and died here, but for what reason, we can’t exactly say. Not for us to take sides! We’ll refer you to President Donald Trump’s thoughts: “Gettysburg, what an unbelievable battle that was. It was so much and so interesting and so vicious and horrible and so beautiful in so many different ways; it represented such a big portion of the success of this country. Gettysburg, wow. I go to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, to look and to watch. And, uh, the statement of Robert E. Lee, who’s no longer in favor, did you ever notice that? No longer in favor. ‘Never fight uphill, me boys. Never fight uphill.’ They were fighting uphill. He said, ‘Wow, that was a big mistake.’ He lost his great general. And they were fighting. ‘Never fight uphill, me boys!’ But it was too late.”
This is what happened here, and we hope you have no further questions.
Women’s Rights National Historic Park (Seneca Falls): Here a bunch of women got together and asked for something they did not really need! Most important: There’s a waterfall nearby.
Abraham Lincoln Birthplace National Historic Park: Here was born a president who did something that was important to do, and especially at that time. One of the lesser presidents, he came to guide the nation through the Civil War, which was fought over nothing. The Seinfeld of wars.
Trail of Tears National Historic Trail: This scenic route takes you through nine states, starting in Georgia and continuing to Oklahoma! Along this path, you can see a lot of foliage. A fun trail to walk voluntarily.
Reconstruction Era National Historic Park: Things have always been good in this country. Look—a bird. Wow! Check out all the waterfowl around here!
Boston National Historic Park (Freedom Trail): To describe the historic significance of this site would require us to disparage King George III of England. Which we are loath to do! There’s no shame in being a king.
President William Jefferson Clinton Birthplace Home: Did you know that Bill Clinton and Andrew Johnson were the only two presidents ever to be impeached? Fun fact!
Statue of Liberty: For years, people have made a big deal about how good she looks as you approach, but imagine how nice she’d look if you were leaving. Please disregard the poem; we are trying to remove it.
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